DENVER, Colo., November 22, 2019- (24/7MarketNews via COMTEX)- You can already hear the pundits clearing their throats, so they can drone on about the next great Silicon Valley IPO, brought to us by experts in vegan breakfast and dopamine restriction exercises.
The Silicon Hood Bros have given us a few neat innovations, but they mostly build cash-burn machines that their investment bankers are able to push on unsuspecting investors, at highly inflated valuations. Such a deal.
These IPOs are getting so bad that their prospectuses should just be the bullet point list of the companies’ risk factors.
Fortunately, for all of us, WeWork is proving to be the bridge loan too far.
Just like how the British relief column had to give up a mile short of the final Rhine bridge target, in Arnhem, which British paratroopers briefly held, after numerous casualties to capture it, Softbank can start playing taps for the billions it’s going to write down.
If not for lucky timing, WeWork would have been the latest unicorn that did nothing more than bury shareholders’ money, to the tune of one dollar lost per dollar of revenue generated. Yes, curiously, the potheads were able to sell this one-to-one pipedream to investment bankers and keep in mind that this burn rate had nothing to do with developing some type of proprietary technology.
I assume that smoking a bunch of weed may generate some amazing ideas, but I think that it helps generate many more amazingly bad ideas, like trying to peddle an old concept, with the main differentiator being a turning profitability into a high burn/loss rate, but it looks like that’s exactly what Adam Neumann pulled off.
Before you assume that I’m hating on him, I’m not even criticizing him. In fact, I say hats off to him for playing on the investment bankers’ greed and pocketing $1.7 billion. If I was in his shoes, I’d probably hop on my plane to yuck it up on some tropical island, surrounded by bikini models, telling stories of how I put the investment bankers together.
Yes, inexplicably, the potheads pulled a Jedi mind trick on the bankers that included a $185 million “consulting fee”. So, as the bankers and eggheads figure out a way to salvage this fiasco, the potheads are walking away with the loot.
Don’t think that I’m going soft, because I say that we should all be extremely pissed off at the investment bankers and don’t accuse me of victim blaming, since that would just prove that you didn’t know that you were going to be the bag holder. You see, the original investors didn’t care about corporate performance, because WeWork’s IPO would become their golden ticket and by the time the public figured out the reality, they wanted us be the ones trying to figure out how much of our good cash to throw at this money burning operation.
Yes, thank God that the plug was pulled on this one, at least for now, as Softbank planned on us peons bailing them out of their $billions in greed induced losses!
All of this may sound harsh, but the investment bankers know that this model is long in the tooth, which is the main reason that Lyft (NASDAQ:LYFT) rushed to IPO before Uber (NYSE:UBER).
The downside is that it’s going to cause some real problems for real companies that are deserving of the public’s financial support.
WeWorks is nothing more than what should have remained a bad idea, but, somehow, it became a company and it should die without reaching our wallets. Let’s hope that the public is sparred from another dismal IPO that only sucks billions from investors to eke out their existence.
Without its IPO, it’s likely that UBER would have filed for bankruptcy a while ago, as they burned billions and had nowhere else to turn.
I pray that the next trend isn’t repackaging these bad ideas.
How long before UBER teams up with the latest A.I. program to send packs of roving cars to intimidate its critics? If they do, Teslas will become the perfect silent assassins.
Let’s hire an out of work weed CEO and convert some of WeWork’s space into Weed Works, because no man bun cannabis technologist wants to be seen in a conventional marijuana growing facility. The ridiculous ongoing loses in the Cannabis sector would seem to be an attractive model for these guys. One only has to look at Aurora Cannabis (NYSE:ACB) to realize something in this space has to change.
The JUUL/Altria (NYSE:MO) unicorn brought to us by our Silicon Valley friends at Pax Labs; the wicked geniuses who created flavored nicotine pods that were not, I repeat, not intended for children, could work with Johnson & Johnson (NYSE:JNJ) and create a new line of flavored baby powders.
Face it; a few more fiascos like this could quickly turn Silicon Valley into Death Valley, as the main difference between most of the Silicon Valley deals and the average penny stock is that, since the regulators provide them cover and perceived legitimacy, these deals are able to burn through way more of their investors’ money. One we works probably equates to more losses than all of the busts on the Venture Exchanges
The bottom line is that, this time, the general public was spared the phony Silly Con Valley Unicorn model, which would have been pushed onto the markets by greedy bankers who don’t want to throw any more good money after bad. Let’s hope that this is the new trend.
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